Suspended but hopeful.

If you are even a fraction of how scared I am right now, i am sorry. 

I cannot imagine what is going through your head right now. I barely know what is going through mine. 

I used to think I knew how to handle these things. Play and replay every instant of every possible scene in your head. Every combination of words, actions, thoughts and reactions had to be played out, carefully rehearsed to make sure that I was always protected. This time it is different. No matter how much or how I think about today, I simply don’t know how it will play out. The thought of this being the end is too painful to live and relive a million times before it really happens. The possibility of this being only a beginning is too complicated to imagine. 

I think back on the many things that happened and realize that I am disoriented. Too much has happened in too little time. My head is dizzy, my heart will not stop spinning. None of this is because I am not ready to let go, but simply because I don’t know where to go next. It is like taking a step in a new direction but all of a sudden being blinded. I no longer know if I am swimming to the surface for the breath of air that will save me or if I am using my strength to get myself further and further away from the only resource that can save me. 

Am I ready to say goodbye for good? Probably not… and am I ready to walk away? I think I did months ago. Am I sure that we are not meant to be together? Simply put: No. Am I letting others influence my feelings? Absolutely. Am I ok with that? unfortunately. 

A thousand questions of the sort boil to a surface I cannot seem to reach. The answers all a deep echo I can only hear from the bottom of this sea. Distant. Scary. 

I feel like the answer is straight forward, like I know and you do to. But I simply am not confident enough to take the step alone.

It used to happen so often, when I was sitting at home, playing a song I had been playing for years. I would glance up to the sheet and not even be looking truly, not REALLY paying attention. I knew the song by heart, my fingers knew where to go next better than my mind could ever believe. But the moment the paper disappeared i panicked. My mind simply wasn’t conscious of the fact that I knew what to do. My hands knew. 

I promise you that it is not about dragging this out. It is not about me playing games, or not knowing what I want. I know exactly what I want, I’ve known from the beginning that this would be the hardest thing I would have to do. I also knew I would maybe have to do it. 

You see, my heart knows, its it just that my brain hasn’t gotten the message yet.