Japan

Dear F,

I open my eyes into a perfect stillness of pink and white. The smell or blossoms and the brisk winter air hold the promise of a cold night, another one alone, apart from you, the man I love. I have recently found the difference between being alone and being lonely. See being alone is a simple physical state in which physical distance separates you from someone or something, it has no feelings attached to it as it is not an emotional state of being but rather a simple statement of truth. You are alone when you are physically apart from something. To be lonely implies an emotion, a tender nostalgia for the moment spent together and a pain buried so deep that it can easily be confused with emptiness. I have discovered this during the lonely nights when sleep refuses to take me away from the reality of our situation, when sitting at my desk, my pen in hand, I cannot find the words to explain to you the hurt that I feel, the almost physical pain that makes it hard to breathe when you are not lying beside me in bed. Loneliness has nothing to do with physical isolation, I have been surrounded by hundreds of well intentioned and loving people these past few days, and yet, without the sound of your voice, theirs seem muffled. I now sit here, in silence, alone, and for the first time in days, I do not feel lonely, because I have you here with me. I have found the formula to cure the pain, I close my eyes and listen to the sound of a violin you and I heard long ago and promised we would hear again together one day, in a cherry blossom garden, on an early spring day in Japan, at dusk.

Love,

Your kid